The past 5 weeks...

So much has happened and I haven't posted for fear of letting the cat out of the bag too early. Here are the events as I recall them.

10 days past ovulation I had a big temperature dip on my chart which usually means the old hag is going to show, and I was bummed because it was about 4 days too early for that. I also had a shoot that day and was feeling remarkably tired for no real reason. The next day I had a slight rise so implantation never entered my mind, but apparently I was wrong! I had just ordered a bunch of cheap pregnancy tests online and the ladies on my forum were saying that those tests weren't great quality and known for giving evaporation lines that look positive. Seeing as how I had so many I figured I might as well start using them up and low and behold I got what I thought was an evaporation line. The ladies on the forum convinced me to try again later that afternoon and there was a line, and it was pink!! It probably wouldn't have been visible to the untrained eye, but us obsessive, baby crazy ladies know how to interpret light lines on every brand of pregnancy test out there. I had some Clear Blue Easy digital tests I had been saving and decided to "verify" this light line. Imagine my surprise when the word PREGNANT popped up on the screen!!! It seemed to good to be true! I carried that silly stick with that lovely word on it around for the rest of the day just to look at it. The irrational part of me thought it might be playing a mean trick and a big huge "NOT" would appear instead.



That was Thursday, September 17th.

I kept it to myself for a few days because I hadn't officially missed my period yet and was afraid of having another chemical pregnancy. I continued to test and watch the lines get darker with each time. My inner turmoil was great, and although I took my concerns to God, I felt I needed to tell someone so I called Michelle.

Sunday at church I read the Psalms all through worship and just happened up on Chapter 19 where David talks about the Lord knowing us and knitting us in our mother's womb. Something about that was so comforting and I was able to really give this over to Him and trust that I will get through whatever the outcome may be. Since then I've been at peace.

I was starting to feel sick right away and ate like a famine was coming. It was getting harder to hide it from Steven after he commented on my 50 bathroom trips that day.

Monday I had my scheduled appointment at the hospital for the EAGeR study. The nurse confirmed the pregnancy and scheduled my first ultrasound for October 8th at the LDS Hospital. Along with more supplies for the study she also sent me home with the fertility monitor (in case I should miscarry) and a specimen collection kit. She told me of the different types of miscarriages, which I already knew, and my instructions should one occur. It felt pretty morbid taking the specimen kit with me. I know it made sense for the study but to me it felt like bad luck.

I also called my OB and they had me come in for blood work. So after getting my blood sucked twice in one morning I headed to TJ Max and found a set of baby shirts on clearance for $4 and socks and a bib that says "I Love Daddy". I cleared out a drawer in Steven's dresser and arranged the items in there along with a rubber ducky we have laying around the house for some reason. It didn't occur to me what I should do if he didn't open the right drawer when he came home from work and changed his clothes. Luckily it worked out well. :) He hollered down at me..

"Christina! What's this?"
"What does it look like?"
"Are you really pregnant?"
"Yes, that's what the tests say"
"Well, alright then"

Seriously? That's all he could say? haha. He takes a while to absorb things so I knew he would be in a bit of shock. Later that day it was sinking in and he'd say things like "the three of us" or "and junior".



I went back on Wednesday to my Dr. for more blood work to see if the HCG numbers are doubling as they should. Morning sickness, or I should say evening sickness, hit me that night and it was long and miserable. The funny thing is that as I was drifting in and out of sleep because of the nausea, I was dreaming of food! Oh the irony.

Thursday I was supposed to get the results from my Dr.'s office but the machine that does that test broke, so the samples had to be sent out. AH! Don't they know I've been biting my nails all day wondering if everything was ok? The nurse was very nice though and gave me my first numbers which is 164. She said Friday they should have the others.

Ok, now I have the second numbers…..425! YAY! I have an ultrasound scheduled at my Dr.’s office for Oct 15.

I’m 6 weeks today and so far my pregnancy has been pretty uneventful. I had a lot of cramping at first but no spotting at all (yay!). My boobs have grown a cup size already and hurt very very bad. I’m super bloated and look like I’m showing already but I know that’s not baby at all. And of course the other usual joys such as constipation, extreme fatigue, irritability, emotional, and starvation. I seem to get “morning sickness” only at night. Right around 7 pm it kicks in and I feel like crap. I have yet to actually throw up though, although the other night I really wanted to just to end the agony. Steven is very excited. He has been shopping for baby cribs like a madman. Researching them all and trying to find the perfect one regardless of price. He’s made a list of all of the things he thinks we’ll need and has estimated prices next to them all. He asks questions about everything from diapering to playpens. It’s more reaction out of him than I expected. And he admitted to me today that he’s holding back so I don’t feel too badly if it doesn’t work out. Too cute! All in all I’d consider myself pretty lucky.

Stupid Day

I’m 7 weeks today and all of the wind has been taken out of my sails. I feel so stupid for feeling confident and really hoping this would be the baby we could bring home. I’ve been praying this whole time that the Lord would prepare me no matter the outcome and I guess He has. I felt so peaceful and the dark thoughts were staying away so I thought that He was freeing me to enjoy this pregnancy. But now I see it was just to keep me from fearing the inevitable.

Steven met me for my first ultrasound at the hospital on Thursday and they couldn’t see a gestational sac. At this point they should see a gestational sac and a yolk sac and perhaps a heartbeat. All they saw was a super thick lining to my uterus and a cyst on my ovary (probably from ovulating on that side). The Dr was scared of ectopic although he couldn’t see a sac anywhere else in my tubes or ovaries, and told me that if I had any bleeding or pain to call my Dr. I was pretty sad that night but some ladies on the forum told me the same thing happened to them and at 8 weeks they saw a healthy fetus and heartbeat. They sent me home with an order for more blood work to get drawn that day and 48 hrs later. I should really mention that all of the staff and Dr was really nice to us. The nurse even asked me if I was ok after we got the bad news. I was spotting some that night but was hoping it was from the probe the dug around with inside me. The next day I was spotting some also but thought it wasn’t a bad thing. But yesterday, Saturday, I had more spotting and it turned red. I got my 48hr repeat blood draw. Then the cramping started, light at first, but by evening I was rolling in pain. I didn’t call my Dr as they would only send me to the ER where it would cost us a fortune and they can’t do anything to help. And there’s nothing to monitor because they couldn’t find a fetus. I’m not afraid of ectopic because I know the signs and don’t believe I have them. The pain feels just like my normal period cramping and isn’t localized on one side. I expected to be bleeding pretty heavily when I got up this morning because of the pain I was in but so far I’d call it a light flow. I’m supposed to collect any tissue that is expelled in a specimen cup for the EAGeR study people. They will come get it and take it to the lab within 24 hours. I’ll get a copy of the results so at least I’ll know if it was a genetic or chromosomal mistake. Monday is a holiday but I’m hoping my Dr’s office will be open. I’m sure all they’ll do is draw more blood and make sure the numbers are going down. I will hopefully have the results from my weekend blood draw on Monday also.

3 consecutive miscarriages or recurrent pregnancy losses (RPL) puts me at less than 1% of the population. It doesn’t really make sense but my chances of carrying a pregnancy to term are the same as anyone else at 60% but my chances of another loss are much higher than the average person. I don’t know if I can handle any more angels in heaven. I think maybe it’s time to face the music that we aren’t going to have our own children. I feel numb and defeated and a huge failure. Steven was really excited this time and I feel like I let him down. That’s 3 since this time last year. I’m tired of charting, and timing, and Dr’s, and hoping, and disappointment, and heartache. But my body has never cooperated with me and has ruined all of my best laid plans, so why should it stop now?

And of course we aren't great at coping with it so I've been snappy at him and he's been avoiding me so we got in a huge fight over anything and everything. I had been good at not crying but somewhere in there I lost it and became a huge mess. The poor dogs were so worried. Luckily we finally talked and I felt so much better.

I was hoping to have good news for my family at the end of October when we go to visit. Now I don’t even want to go.