Bad News

This miscarriage has really taken a toll on us. We're at each other's throats and the stress level is high. Steven has problems at work to add on top of it all.

I had light bleeding with clots for 5 days (normal for me with the other miscarriages) and 3 days of spotting. The study nurses had me start using the fertility monitor on day 2 of the bleeding and I got "high" readings up until cycle day 10. On CD 11 I got a "peak" and thought it was a false peak because there's no way I could be ovulating this soon. The nurses had divided opinions on the matter. So after my two days of peak (the monitor automatically gives another peak day after you get the first one) it went back to "high" today. HUH?? It should be "low". That's when I knew that it wasn't going to be good news.

My HCG levels have been hovering in the 300 to 400 range. Not good, they are supposed to be dropping not going up and down. On the 12th my level was 391 and yesterday's was 380. It should be much much lower than that. So the nurse at the Dr.'s office says the Dr. wants me to come in tomorrow to discuss D&C options. D&C is Dilation and Curettage where they dilate your cervix and cut away all of the tissue in the uterus. I'm not looking forward to it as I'm sure it will be painful as anything involving my cervix is very painful, and it's a longer recovery period as they completely strip the lining and it takes a few cycles to build back up. There's also risk of scarring which could complicate future pregnancies.

This is so discouraging. I was just really hoping to be done with this so we can move on. At first I thought this one was the easiest of the three but apparently I had a lot of suppressed emotions because I was a mess last night.

I also had an opportunity to intern for a professional wedding photographer that is published and travels often for work. Steven didn't even want to discuss it and said he doesn't want me working for free regardless of the career opportunities it would present to me. I think the photographer was disappointed that I declined the offer, he said I was very talented and would do well. That makes me feel a little bit better. So now I'm going to apply for anything and everything. I just want a job. I need a distraction and extra money would be nice.

I got a call for an interview for another job I really wanted but they are only interviewing next Thursday and I will be out of town. Seriously?? What else can go wrong?

I have no idea how our trip is going to play out now. I may be going by myself. I won't know for a few more days.

Life sucks.