I'm having mixed emotions about this trip. I'm supposed to be packing and doing laundry and finishing up a few things so we can leave tomorrow afternoon, but I can't get motivated to do anything but feel sorry for myself. I'm glad I get to see my family of course, but I don't want to sit in a car. I don't want to pretend to be happy when I'm not. I don't want to deal with bleeding and pain at a rest stop. And I deffinately don't want to go to stupid Disneyland.
For those of you who don't know me you might be thinking "what a whiner, I'd love to go to Disneyland" but I've held season passes and grew up right next door to it so needless to say, it's all been done before. All I see is a long day of heat, then cold, lots of standing, lots of waiting, lots of walking, and lots of money all for things I've seen a hundred times. I'd much rather do something different but Steven is a creature of habit and Disneyland makes him insanely happy for some very strange reason.
Oh well, these things never happen at convenient times so I have to find a way to make the best of it.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Hospital
Yesterday we went to St. Mark's Hospital for my D&C after going up to Steven's work so he could check on a problem. We arrived at 10:30 for paperwork and then I was admitted to the Ambulatory floor. Everyone was very nice and the room was newly remodeled so it was a comfortable wait. I will admit I was quite nervous as I had never been put under before. After signing a bunch of papers and changing out of my clothes, we watched some TV and I crocheted until they came to get me at 1. I was wheeled down to the 2nd floor to the Pre Op section and met my nurse for the surgery and the anesthesiologist. The anesthesiologist was very soft spoken and he explained everything to me thoroughly. He put in my IV and we waited for someone to come draw my blood in case I needed the Methotrexate shot when I got out of surgery. My doctor came in and chatted me up for a while and helped me feel more at ease about everything. They are so quick and efficient there, they kept apologizing to me that I had to wait 20 minutes to get my blood drawn. In CA that could have taken hours. So after the nurse put the leg compression boots on to aid with circulation, and a sexy blue hair net, I was ready to go.
Then I was wheeled into the operating room and Hootie and the Blowfish was blaring on the radio. My Dr. joked that it wasn't very relaxing but I told her it was a good song so leave it on. I hopped over to the table and my arms were strapped out to the sides. They put some kind of relaxant into my IV and I started getting loopy and my vision was blurry. My Dr. put an mask thing on my face for me to breathe and she joked that it smelled like a shower curtain. Honestly that's all I remember.
I woke up crying in the Post Op room and the nurse there wasn't exactly rude, but she wasn't nice either. I apologized and told her I didn't know why I was crying, but she handed me some tissues and said it was normal and not to rub my eyes. I kept drifting in and out of sleep but at some point my Doctor came in and said that she got everything and there was no need for the shot. That a small piece of conception had been left behind and was causing me to still produce HCG. After a while I guess I was wheeled back up to the room on the 4th floor we started out in. I don't remember the trip upstairs but I woke up and Steven was there and a new nurse was having me drink water and eat some crackers. Luckily they put an anti nausea drug and Morphine in my IV in the Post Op room so I never felt nauseous. At some point my Dr met with Steven and gave him a bunch of instructions for the next 2 weeks. Around 4 I asked if I could leave and the nurse said we were good to go so Steven got the truck while she took me downstairs in a wheelchair (there's no way I could walk, soooo dizzy).
I had some toast when we got home but was so incredibly tired I couldn't seem to manage to stay awake for more than a few minutes at a time. Apparently Morphine makes you lethargic. Steven followed his orders to the T and made me walk around and eat some food later that evening and rented a movie so I could stay awake for a few hours before bed.
Today I feel tired but I'm doing well. I don't feel sick at all thankfully. I'm sore and it hurts to sit or ride in a car. I'm not really cramping and my bleeding has been minimal. My throat hurts pretty bad from the breathing tube. I'm supposed to stay active but not do anything strenuous for 2 weeks. No baths or tampons or anything else in there either. She mentioned to Steven that at our next appointment she wanted to go over more tests to figure out why I keep miscarrying. I'm really hoping she can find the answer.
So for now our trip is still on. I have a lot to do before we go.
Then I was wheeled into the operating room and Hootie and the Blowfish was blaring on the radio. My Dr. joked that it wasn't very relaxing but I told her it was a good song so leave it on. I hopped over to the table and my arms were strapped out to the sides. They put some kind of relaxant into my IV and I started getting loopy and my vision was blurry. My Dr. put an mask thing on my face for me to breathe and she joked that it smelled like a shower curtain. Honestly that's all I remember.
I woke up crying in the Post Op room and the nurse there wasn't exactly rude, but she wasn't nice either. I apologized and told her I didn't know why I was crying, but she handed me some tissues and said it was normal and not to rub my eyes. I kept drifting in and out of sleep but at some point my Doctor came in and said that she got everything and there was no need for the shot. That a small piece of conception had been left behind and was causing me to still produce HCG. After a while I guess I was wheeled back up to the room on the 4th floor we started out in. I don't remember the trip upstairs but I woke up and Steven was there and a new nurse was having me drink water and eat some crackers. Luckily they put an anti nausea drug and Morphine in my IV in the Post Op room so I never felt nauseous. At some point my Dr met with Steven and gave him a bunch of instructions for the next 2 weeks. Around 4 I asked if I could leave and the nurse said we were good to go so Steven got the truck while she took me downstairs in a wheelchair (there's no way I could walk, soooo dizzy).
I had some toast when we got home but was so incredibly tired I couldn't seem to manage to stay awake for more than a few minutes at a time. Apparently Morphine makes you lethargic. Steven followed his orders to the T and made me walk around and eat some food later that evening and rented a movie so I could stay awake for a few hours before bed.
Today I feel tired but I'm doing well. I don't feel sick at all thankfully. I'm sore and it hurts to sit or ride in a car. I'm not really cramping and my bleeding has been minimal. My throat hurts pretty bad from the breathing tube. I'm supposed to stay active but not do anything strenuous for 2 weeks. No baths or tampons or anything else in there either. She mentioned to Steven that at our next appointment she wanted to go over more tests to figure out why I keep miscarrying. I'm really hoping she can find the answer.
So for now our trip is still on. I have a lot to do before we go.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Doctor Appointment
I just got back from my OB/GYN appointment and some shopping (you'll see why).
As I've mentioned, my HCG numbers aren't going down so she had me come in to discuss options. She first went over what was likely going on and said I could have a D&C or have medication inserted up in me to get my uterus to expel everything. Luckily I have some knowledge of all this stuff so I felt a little prepared to hear it. Then she did a transvaginal ultrasound to have a look at my ovaries. The cyst was still there but that's not unusual because that's likely the side I ovulated from. She couldn't see the other side as easily because of my intestines and the lovely constipation that comes with the HCG hormone (too much information, I know). She did see something funny and she thought that likely it was a tubal pregnancy or ectopic, meaning that the embryo implanted somewhere else in my body besides my uterus, like a fallopian tube.
Since she found that on the ultrasound she determined that it would be best to have a D&C because she can have the pathologist tell her right then if it's pregnancy tissue or not. If it is then I wake up and we go home and wait for my period to start TTC again. If not, then that means it's tubal and she will give me a shot of Methotrexate after I wake up. Methotrexate is a chemo drug actually, but in a lower dose, and it breaks up the tissue and helps it pass. She preferred using the shot to surgery because there's a greater risk of damage to my tubes during surgery and she wants to keep my fertility as intact as possible. I really like my Dr a lot and trust her opinion. She spent plenty of time talking with me and answering my questions. I didn't feel rushed or uninformed at all. And I am so relieved that she will be the one doing the procedure.
So tomorrow at 1:00pm is my appointment and no eating or drinking after midnight tonight. I have a feeling I'll be puking all day since the side effects are nausea from both the anesthesia and the shot. I still don't know what hospital it's at (I'm guessing the same one I went to for the HSG). The hospital is supposed to call me with more info.
There is one kicker to all this. If it's just the D&C and no shot then I can go on our trip to CA. If they have to do the shot though, I'll have to stay home and be more closely monitored. Apparently I could have internal bleeding so she wants me to stay close to home and close to her. Surprise after surprise huh? Let's see what tomorrow brings. Nothing like trying to make plans and have them thwarted at every turn. And did I mention I'm super tired of having things shoved up my privates? I'm having a hard time seeing how this is all worth it and trying again seems like the worst chore you could give me right now. But I'm in the study so I'm obligated to keep "trying" for a few more months. A cruise sounds pretty awesome right about now.
As I've mentioned, my HCG numbers aren't going down so she had me come in to discuss options. She first went over what was likely going on and said I could have a D&C or have medication inserted up in me to get my uterus to expel everything. Luckily I have some knowledge of all this stuff so I felt a little prepared to hear it. Then she did a transvaginal ultrasound to have a look at my ovaries. The cyst was still there but that's not unusual because that's likely the side I ovulated from. She couldn't see the other side as easily because of my intestines and the lovely constipation that comes with the HCG hormone (too much information, I know). She did see something funny and she thought that likely it was a tubal pregnancy or ectopic, meaning that the embryo implanted somewhere else in my body besides my uterus, like a fallopian tube.
Since she found that on the ultrasound she determined that it would be best to have a D&C because she can have the pathologist tell her right then if it's pregnancy tissue or not. If it is then I wake up and we go home and wait for my period to start TTC again. If not, then that means it's tubal and she will give me a shot of Methotrexate after I wake up. Methotrexate is a chemo drug actually, but in a lower dose, and it breaks up the tissue and helps it pass. She preferred using the shot to surgery because there's a greater risk of damage to my tubes during surgery and she wants to keep my fertility as intact as possible. I really like my Dr a lot and trust her opinion. She spent plenty of time talking with me and answering my questions. I didn't feel rushed or uninformed at all. And I am so relieved that she will be the one doing the procedure.
So tomorrow at 1:00pm is my appointment and no eating or drinking after midnight tonight. I have a feeling I'll be puking all day since the side effects are nausea from both the anesthesia and the shot. I still don't know what hospital it's at (I'm guessing the same one I went to for the HSG). The hospital is supposed to call me with more info.
There is one kicker to all this. If it's just the D&C and no shot then I can go on our trip to CA. If they have to do the shot though, I'll have to stay home and be more closely monitored. Apparently I could have internal bleeding so she wants me to stay close to home and close to her. Surprise after surprise huh? Let's see what tomorrow brings. Nothing like trying to make plans and have them thwarted at every turn. And did I mention I'm super tired of having things shoved up my privates? I'm having a hard time seeing how this is all worth it and trying again seems like the worst chore you could give me right now. But I'm in the study so I'm obligated to keep "trying" for a few more months. A cruise sounds pretty awesome right about now.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Bad News
This miscarriage has really taken a toll on us. We're at each other's throats and the stress level is high. Steven has problems at work to add on top of it all.
I had light bleeding with clots for 5 days (normal for me with the other miscarriages) and 3 days of spotting. The study nurses had me start using the fertility monitor on day 2 of the bleeding and I got "high" readings up until cycle day 10. On CD 11 I got a "peak" and thought it was a false peak because there's no way I could be ovulating this soon. The nurses had divided opinions on the matter. So after my two days of peak (the monitor automatically gives another peak day after you get the first one) it went back to "high" today. HUH?? It should be "low". That's when I knew that it wasn't going to be good news.
My HCG levels have been hovering in the 300 to 400 range. Not good, they are supposed to be dropping not going up and down. On the 12th my level was 391 and yesterday's was 380. It should be much much lower than that. So the nurse at the Dr.'s office says the Dr. wants me to come in tomorrow to discuss D&C options. D&C is Dilation and Curettage where they dilate your cervix and cut away all of the tissue in the uterus. I'm not looking forward to it as I'm sure it will be painful as anything involving my cervix is very painful, and it's a longer recovery period as they completely strip the lining and it takes a few cycles to build back up. There's also risk of scarring which could complicate future pregnancies.
This is so discouraging. I was just really hoping to be done with this so we can move on. At first I thought this one was the easiest of the three but apparently I had a lot of suppressed emotions because I was a mess last night.
I also had an opportunity to intern for a professional wedding photographer that is published and travels often for work. Steven didn't even want to discuss it and said he doesn't want me working for free regardless of the career opportunities it would present to me. I think the photographer was disappointed that I declined the offer, he said I was very talented and would do well. That makes me feel a little bit better. So now I'm going to apply for anything and everything. I just want a job. I need a distraction and extra money would be nice.
I got a call for an interview for another job I really wanted but they are only interviewing next Thursday and I will be out of town. Seriously?? What else can go wrong?
I have no idea how our trip is going to play out now. I may be going by myself. I won't know for a few more days.
Life sucks.
I had light bleeding with clots for 5 days (normal for me with the other miscarriages) and 3 days of spotting. The study nurses had me start using the fertility monitor on day 2 of the bleeding and I got "high" readings up until cycle day 10. On CD 11 I got a "peak" and thought it was a false peak because there's no way I could be ovulating this soon. The nurses had divided opinions on the matter. So after my two days of peak (the monitor automatically gives another peak day after you get the first one) it went back to "high" today. HUH?? It should be "low". That's when I knew that it wasn't going to be good news.
My HCG levels have been hovering in the 300 to 400 range. Not good, they are supposed to be dropping not going up and down. On the 12th my level was 391 and yesterday's was 380. It should be much much lower than that. So the nurse at the Dr.'s office says the Dr. wants me to come in tomorrow to discuss D&C options. D&C is Dilation and Curettage where they dilate your cervix and cut away all of the tissue in the uterus. I'm not looking forward to it as I'm sure it will be painful as anything involving my cervix is very painful, and it's a longer recovery period as they completely strip the lining and it takes a few cycles to build back up. There's also risk of scarring which could complicate future pregnancies.
This is so discouraging. I was just really hoping to be done with this so we can move on. At first I thought this one was the easiest of the three but apparently I had a lot of suppressed emotions because I was a mess last night.
I also had an opportunity to intern for a professional wedding photographer that is published and travels often for work. Steven didn't even want to discuss it and said he doesn't want me working for free regardless of the career opportunities it would present to me. I think the photographer was disappointed that I declined the offer, he said I was very talented and would do well. That makes me feel a little bit better. So now I'm going to apply for anything and everything. I just want a job. I need a distraction and extra money would be nice.
I got a call for an interview for another job I really wanted but they are only interviewing next Thursday and I will be out of town. Seriously?? What else can go wrong?
I have no idea how our trip is going to play out now. I may be going by myself. I won't know for a few more days.
Life sucks.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Follow Up Appointment
Yesterday I went for a follow up appointment with my OBGYN. I was expecting to hear a little bit of reprimand for being part of the study (Dr's like to yell at me) but she was very nice instead. She seemed interested about it and asked me a bunch of questions. She did an exam and my cervix is still closed. They tracked down my lab results from this weekend and it showed that my numbers were going up and down. Thursday was 300 something and Saturday was 400 something. I thought it was a bit strange but she didn't seem too concerned. She offered to give me some medicine to expel everything quicker but I opted to do it naturally. I had more blood drawn yesterday and just got the results this morning of 391. I go back sometime next week for another draw. Basically we wait until they go all the way back down to zero and I'll start ovulating again and having normal cycles. I have a feeling this one is going to drag out for a while.
I did have a lovely chat with the gentleman that draws blood at the lab in the Dr's office. He's a Vietnam Vet and has pictures of him and his medals all over his office wall. This time we chatted about hunting since he was going to hunt some prairie dogs. He said he mostly hunts vermin these days. It was pretty funny to hear about prairie dogs exploding with only feet left (had to be there). And who knew that woodchucks are the same thing as a marmot? And that some "idiot" back in the 1860's brought a mating pair of raccoons to Utah so he could hunt them and caused them to spread all the way to CA and become a "nuisance". Last time he told me I was smart and insightful for my age (talking about the economy) and that my husband was lucky.
I look forward to getting my blood sucked. :)
The EAGeR people started me in the first part of the study again so I'm back to using the fertility monitor every day and answering a daily questionnaire diary. So far I'm getting "high" readings but that's probably because I have so many hormones in my system.
I'm not looking forward to continuing this process but....what can ya do?
In other things:
I'm planning my Auntie's 50th birthday party so we have to go back to CA at the end of the month so I can actually set up and host it. The invites are out and most of the decorations and supplies are taken care of. I still have a few things to do like get prizes for the costume contest and find some more black candles and get more spider webs. I need to plan the menu more thoroughly and figure out the situation on left over cups, plates, and cutlery from my wedding. I'm sewing Charlotte's (my niece) costume so I need to finish that up. Then of course we have to plan our trip but I'm leaving most of that to Steven.
Fall is officially in the air! The mountains are turning red and orange and our weather is finally not quite so freezing. Everything looks so pretty! I'm sadly short on fall decorations but I'm going to put up what I have today. I promised myself I'd get pilgrims this year to add to the collection so I need to go pilgrim hunting. HA!
I FINALLY got into that quilting class I need so badly. So Saturday I'll be sewing my brains out and know how to finish off a quilt. YAY! Hopefully that means I'll get my half finished projects out of the way. I'm still crocheting squares and I have about 40 so I guess I should start putting them together to see if it makes anything.
Steven lost an important server yesterday that holds all of their data storage. The information wasn't lost but it's inaccessable. He's pretty angry about it because he's been telling them that this small business server wasn't going to cut it and would break one day in the near future. Well the near future is now and it looks like they don't want to spend the money on it so he's going to have to preform another miracle as usual. They'll throw out 200,000 for a stupid new sales system that they don't need but won't upgrade their computer equipment that they do need for 26,000 or let Steven hire a new employee for 30,000. Rediculous! I bet if he did worse at his job then they'd hire someone real quick but it's not in him to be anything less than Superman at work. And the last two days he took off he ended up working at least half the day. I don't like Zero. I have no patience for corporate politics.
I'll close on a happy note, my sinks no longer leak!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can sleep at night without our bathroom sink dripping. He replaced the whole faucet and it even looks pretty. He also replaced the facet in the kitchen because it was leaking all the way down to the basement and we didn't know it. I knew that the top of the facucet leaked into the sink and all over the counter, but didn't know it was leaking underneath also. UGH...this stupid house is falling apart and our landlord couldn't care less. Wind comes in through the windows, everything he promised to fix he hasn't made even a little attempt at. I'll be sooooooooo happy to move. Hopefully next spring but I'm not holding my breath. I have new faucets!!!
I did have a lovely chat with the gentleman that draws blood at the lab in the Dr's office. He's a Vietnam Vet and has pictures of him and his medals all over his office wall. This time we chatted about hunting since he was going to hunt some prairie dogs. He said he mostly hunts vermin these days. It was pretty funny to hear about prairie dogs exploding with only feet left (had to be there). And who knew that woodchucks are the same thing as a marmot? And that some "idiot" back in the 1860's brought a mating pair of raccoons to Utah so he could hunt them and caused them to spread all the way to CA and become a "nuisance". Last time he told me I was smart and insightful for my age (talking about the economy) and that my husband was lucky.
I look forward to getting my blood sucked. :)
The EAGeR people started me in the first part of the study again so I'm back to using the fertility monitor every day and answering a daily questionnaire diary. So far I'm getting "high" readings but that's probably because I have so many hormones in my system.
I'm not looking forward to continuing this process but....what can ya do?
In other things:
I'm planning my Auntie's 50th birthday party so we have to go back to CA at the end of the month so I can actually set up and host it. The invites are out and most of the decorations and supplies are taken care of. I still have a few things to do like get prizes for the costume contest and find some more black candles and get more spider webs. I need to plan the menu more thoroughly and figure out the situation on left over cups, plates, and cutlery from my wedding. I'm sewing Charlotte's (my niece) costume so I need to finish that up. Then of course we have to plan our trip but I'm leaving most of that to Steven.
Fall is officially in the air! The mountains are turning red and orange and our weather is finally not quite so freezing. Everything looks so pretty! I'm sadly short on fall decorations but I'm going to put up what I have today. I promised myself I'd get pilgrims this year to add to the collection so I need to go pilgrim hunting. HA!
I FINALLY got into that quilting class I need so badly. So Saturday I'll be sewing my brains out and know how to finish off a quilt. YAY! Hopefully that means I'll get my half finished projects out of the way. I'm still crocheting squares and I have about 40 so I guess I should start putting them together to see if it makes anything.
Steven lost an important server yesterday that holds all of their data storage. The information wasn't lost but it's inaccessable. He's pretty angry about it because he's been telling them that this small business server wasn't going to cut it and would break one day in the near future. Well the near future is now and it looks like they don't want to spend the money on it so he's going to have to preform another miracle as usual. They'll throw out 200,000 for a stupid new sales system that they don't need but won't upgrade their computer equipment that they do need for 26,000 or let Steven hire a new employee for 30,000. Rediculous! I bet if he did worse at his job then they'd hire someone real quick but it's not in him to be anything less than Superman at work. And the last two days he took off he ended up working at least half the day. I don't like Zero. I have no patience for corporate politics.
I'll close on a happy note, my sinks no longer leak!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can sleep at night without our bathroom sink dripping. He replaced the whole faucet and it even looks pretty. He also replaced the facet in the kitchen because it was leaking all the way down to the basement and we didn't know it. I knew that the top of the facucet leaked into the sink and all over the counter, but didn't know it was leaking underneath also. UGH...this stupid house is falling apart and our landlord couldn't care less. Wind comes in through the windows, everything he promised to fix he hasn't made even a little attempt at. I'll be sooooooooo happy to move. Hopefully next spring but I'm not holding my breath. I have new faucets!!!
Monday, October 12, 2009
The past 5 weeks...
So much has happened and I haven't posted for fear of letting the cat out of the bag too early. Here are the events as I recall them.
10 days past ovulation I had a big temperature dip on my chart which usually means the old hag is going to show, and I was bummed because it was about 4 days too early for that. I also had a shoot that day and was feeling remarkably tired for no real reason. The next day I had a slight rise so implantation never entered my mind, but apparently I was wrong! I had just ordered a bunch of cheap pregnancy tests online and the ladies on my forum were saying that those tests weren't great quality and known for giving evaporation lines that look positive. Seeing as how I had so many I figured I might as well start using them up and low and behold I got what I thought was an evaporation line. The ladies on the forum convinced me to try again later that afternoon and there was a line, and it was pink!! It probably wouldn't have been visible to the untrained eye, but us obsessive, baby crazy ladies know how to interpret light lines on every brand of pregnancy test out there. I had some Clear Blue Easy digital tests I had been saving and decided to "verify" this light line. Imagine my surprise when the word PREGNANT popped up on the screen!!! It seemed to good to be true! I carried that silly stick with that lovely word on it around for the rest of the day just to look at it. The irrational part of me thought it might be playing a mean trick and a big huge "NOT" would appear instead.
That was Thursday, September 17th.
I kept it to myself for a few days because I hadn't officially missed my period yet and was afraid of having another chemical pregnancy. I continued to test and watch the lines get darker with each time. My inner turmoil was great, and although I took my concerns to God, I felt I needed to tell someone so I called Michelle.
Sunday at church I read the Psalms all through worship and just happened up on Chapter 19 where David talks about the Lord knowing us and knitting us in our mother's womb. Something about that was so comforting and I was able to really give this over to Him and trust that I will get through whatever the outcome may be. Since then I've been at peace.
I was starting to feel sick right away and ate like a famine was coming. It was getting harder to hide it from Steven after he commented on my 50 bathroom trips that day.
Monday I had my scheduled appointment at the hospital for the EAGeR study. The nurse confirmed the pregnancy and scheduled my first ultrasound for October 8th at the LDS Hospital. Along with more supplies for the study she also sent me home with the fertility monitor (in case I should miscarry) and a specimen collection kit. She told me of the different types of miscarriages, which I already knew, and my instructions should one occur. It felt pretty morbid taking the specimen kit with me. I know it made sense for the study but to me it felt like bad luck.
I also called my OB and they had me come in for blood work. So after getting my blood sucked twice in one morning I headed to TJ Max and found a set of baby shirts on clearance for $4 and socks and a bib that says "I Love Daddy". I cleared out a drawer in Steven's dresser and arranged the items in there along with a rubber ducky we have laying around the house for some reason. It didn't occur to me what I should do if he didn't open the right drawer when he came home from work and changed his clothes. Luckily it worked out well. :) He hollered down at me..
"Christina! What's this?"
"What does it look like?"
"Are you really pregnant?"
"Yes, that's what the tests say"
"Well, alright then"
Seriously? That's all he could say? haha. He takes a while to absorb things so I knew he would be in a bit of shock. Later that day it was sinking in and he'd say things like "the three of us" or "and junior".
I went back on Wednesday to my Dr. for more blood work to see if the HCG numbers are doubling as they should. Morning sickness, or I should say evening sickness, hit me that night and it was long and miserable. The funny thing is that as I was drifting in and out of sleep because of the nausea, I was dreaming of food! Oh the irony.
Thursday I was supposed to get the results from my Dr.'s office but the machine that does that test broke, so the samples had to be sent out. AH! Don't they know I've been biting my nails all day wondering if everything was ok? The nurse was very nice though and gave me my first numbers which is 164. She said Friday they should have the others.
Ok, now I have the second numbers…..425! YAY! I have an ultrasound scheduled at my Dr.’s office for Oct 15.
I’m 6 weeks today and so far my pregnancy has been pretty uneventful. I had a lot of cramping at first but no spotting at all (yay!). My boobs have grown a cup size already and hurt very very bad. I’m super bloated and look like I’m showing already but I know that’s not baby at all. And of course the other usual joys such as constipation, extreme fatigue, irritability, emotional, and starvation. I seem to get “morning sickness” only at night. Right around 7 pm it kicks in and I feel like crap. I have yet to actually throw up though, although the other night I really wanted to just to end the agony. Steven is very excited. He has been shopping for baby cribs like a madman. Researching them all and trying to find the perfect one regardless of price. He’s made a list of all of the things he thinks we’ll need and has estimated prices next to them all. He asks questions about everything from diapering to playpens. It’s more reaction out of him than I expected. And he admitted to me today that he’s holding back so I don’t feel too badly if it doesn’t work out. Too cute! All in all I’d consider myself pretty lucky.
Stupid Day
I’m 7 weeks today and all of the wind has been taken out of my sails. I feel so stupid for feeling confident and really hoping this would be the baby we could bring home. I’ve been praying this whole time that the Lord would prepare me no matter the outcome and I guess He has. I felt so peaceful and the dark thoughts were staying away so I thought that He was freeing me to enjoy this pregnancy. But now I see it was just to keep me from fearing the inevitable.
Steven met me for my first ultrasound at the hospital on Thursday and they couldn’t see a gestational sac. At this point they should see a gestational sac and a yolk sac and perhaps a heartbeat. All they saw was a super thick lining to my uterus and a cyst on my ovary (probably from ovulating on that side). The Dr was scared of ectopic although he couldn’t see a sac anywhere else in my tubes or ovaries, and told me that if I had any bleeding or pain to call my Dr. I was pretty sad that night but some ladies on the forum told me the same thing happened to them and at 8 weeks they saw a healthy fetus and heartbeat. They sent me home with an order for more blood work to get drawn that day and 48 hrs later. I should really mention that all of the staff and Dr was really nice to us. The nurse even asked me if I was ok after we got the bad news. I was spotting some that night but was hoping it was from the probe the dug around with inside me. The next day I was spotting some also but thought it wasn’t a bad thing. But yesterday, Saturday, I had more spotting and it turned red. I got my 48hr repeat blood draw. Then the cramping started, light at first, but by evening I was rolling in pain. I didn’t call my Dr as they would only send me to the ER where it would cost us a fortune and they can’t do anything to help. And there’s nothing to monitor because they couldn’t find a fetus. I’m not afraid of ectopic because I know the signs and don’t believe I have them. The pain feels just like my normal period cramping and isn’t localized on one side. I expected to be bleeding pretty heavily when I got up this morning because of the pain I was in but so far I’d call it a light flow. I’m supposed to collect any tissue that is expelled in a specimen cup for the EAGeR study people. They will come get it and take it to the lab within 24 hours. I’ll get a copy of the results so at least I’ll know if it was a genetic or chromosomal mistake. Monday is a holiday but I’m hoping my Dr’s office will be open. I’m sure all they’ll do is draw more blood and make sure the numbers are going down. I will hopefully have the results from my weekend blood draw on Monday also.
3 consecutive miscarriages or recurrent pregnancy losses (RPL) puts me at less than 1% of the population. It doesn’t really make sense but my chances of carrying a pregnancy to term are the same as anyone else at 60% but my chances of another loss are much higher than the average person. I don’t know if I can handle any more angels in heaven. I think maybe it’s time to face the music that we aren’t going to have our own children. I feel numb and defeated and a huge failure. Steven was really excited this time and I feel like I let him down. That’s 3 since this time last year. I’m tired of charting, and timing, and Dr’s, and hoping, and disappointment, and heartache. But my body has never cooperated with me and has ruined all of my best laid plans, so why should it stop now?
And of course we aren't great at coping with it so I've been snappy at him and he's been avoiding me so we got in a huge fight over anything and everything. I had been good at not crying but somewhere in there I lost it and became a huge mess. The poor dogs were so worried. Luckily we finally talked and I felt so much better.
I was hoping to have good news for my family at the end of October when we go to visit. Now I don’t even want to go.
10 days past ovulation I had a big temperature dip on my chart which usually means the old hag is going to show, and I was bummed because it was about 4 days too early for that. I also had a shoot that day and was feeling remarkably tired for no real reason. The next day I had a slight rise so implantation never entered my mind, but apparently I was wrong! I had just ordered a bunch of cheap pregnancy tests online and the ladies on my forum were saying that those tests weren't great quality and known for giving evaporation lines that look positive. Seeing as how I had so many I figured I might as well start using them up and low and behold I got what I thought was an evaporation line. The ladies on the forum convinced me to try again later that afternoon and there was a line, and it was pink!! It probably wouldn't have been visible to the untrained eye, but us obsessive, baby crazy ladies know how to interpret light lines on every brand of pregnancy test out there. I had some Clear Blue Easy digital tests I had been saving and decided to "verify" this light line. Imagine my surprise when the word PREGNANT popped up on the screen!!! It seemed to good to be true! I carried that silly stick with that lovely word on it around for the rest of the day just to look at it. The irrational part of me thought it might be playing a mean trick and a big huge "NOT" would appear instead.
That was Thursday, September 17th.
I kept it to myself for a few days because I hadn't officially missed my period yet and was afraid of having another chemical pregnancy. I continued to test and watch the lines get darker with each time. My inner turmoil was great, and although I took my concerns to God, I felt I needed to tell someone so I called Michelle.
Sunday at church I read the Psalms all through worship and just happened up on Chapter 19 where David talks about the Lord knowing us and knitting us in our mother's womb. Something about that was so comforting and I was able to really give this over to Him and trust that I will get through whatever the outcome may be. Since then I've been at peace.
I was starting to feel sick right away and ate like a famine was coming. It was getting harder to hide it from Steven after he commented on my 50 bathroom trips that day.
Monday I had my scheduled appointment at the hospital for the EAGeR study. The nurse confirmed the pregnancy and scheduled my first ultrasound for October 8th at the LDS Hospital. Along with more supplies for the study she also sent me home with the fertility monitor (in case I should miscarry) and a specimen collection kit. She told me of the different types of miscarriages, which I already knew, and my instructions should one occur. It felt pretty morbid taking the specimen kit with me. I know it made sense for the study but to me it felt like bad luck.
I also called my OB and they had me come in for blood work. So after getting my blood sucked twice in one morning I headed to TJ Max and found a set of baby shirts on clearance for $4 and socks and a bib that says "I Love Daddy". I cleared out a drawer in Steven's dresser and arranged the items in there along with a rubber ducky we have laying around the house for some reason. It didn't occur to me what I should do if he didn't open the right drawer when he came home from work and changed his clothes. Luckily it worked out well. :) He hollered down at me..
"Christina! What's this?"
"What does it look like?"
"Are you really pregnant?"
"Yes, that's what the tests say"
"Well, alright then"
Seriously? That's all he could say? haha. He takes a while to absorb things so I knew he would be in a bit of shock. Later that day it was sinking in and he'd say things like "the three of us" or "and junior".
I went back on Wednesday to my Dr. for more blood work to see if the HCG numbers are doubling as they should. Morning sickness, or I should say evening sickness, hit me that night and it was long and miserable. The funny thing is that as I was drifting in and out of sleep because of the nausea, I was dreaming of food! Oh the irony.
Thursday I was supposed to get the results from my Dr.'s office but the machine that does that test broke, so the samples had to be sent out. AH! Don't they know I've been biting my nails all day wondering if everything was ok? The nurse was very nice though and gave me my first numbers which is 164. She said Friday they should have the others.
Ok, now I have the second numbers…..425! YAY! I have an ultrasound scheduled at my Dr.’s office for Oct 15.
I’m 6 weeks today and so far my pregnancy has been pretty uneventful. I had a lot of cramping at first but no spotting at all (yay!). My boobs have grown a cup size already and hurt very very bad. I’m super bloated and look like I’m showing already but I know that’s not baby at all. And of course the other usual joys such as constipation, extreme fatigue, irritability, emotional, and starvation. I seem to get “morning sickness” only at night. Right around 7 pm it kicks in and I feel like crap. I have yet to actually throw up though, although the other night I really wanted to just to end the agony. Steven is very excited. He has been shopping for baby cribs like a madman. Researching them all and trying to find the perfect one regardless of price. He’s made a list of all of the things he thinks we’ll need and has estimated prices next to them all. He asks questions about everything from diapering to playpens. It’s more reaction out of him than I expected. And he admitted to me today that he’s holding back so I don’t feel too badly if it doesn’t work out. Too cute! All in all I’d consider myself pretty lucky.
Stupid Day
I’m 7 weeks today and all of the wind has been taken out of my sails. I feel so stupid for feeling confident and really hoping this would be the baby we could bring home. I’ve been praying this whole time that the Lord would prepare me no matter the outcome and I guess He has. I felt so peaceful and the dark thoughts were staying away so I thought that He was freeing me to enjoy this pregnancy. But now I see it was just to keep me from fearing the inevitable.
Steven met me for my first ultrasound at the hospital on Thursday and they couldn’t see a gestational sac. At this point they should see a gestational sac and a yolk sac and perhaps a heartbeat. All they saw was a super thick lining to my uterus and a cyst on my ovary (probably from ovulating on that side). The Dr was scared of ectopic although he couldn’t see a sac anywhere else in my tubes or ovaries, and told me that if I had any bleeding or pain to call my Dr. I was pretty sad that night but some ladies on the forum told me the same thing happened to them and at 8 weeks they saw a healthy fetus and heartbeat. They sent me home with an order for more blood work to get drawn that day and 48 hrs later. I should really mention that all of the staff and Dr was really nice to us. The nurse even asked me if I was ok after we got the bad news. I was spotting some that night but was hoping it was from the probe the dug around with inside me. The next day I was spotting some also but thought it wasn’t a bad thing. But yesterday, Saturday, I had more spotting and it turned red. I got my 48hr repeat blood draw. Then the cramping started, light at first, but by evening I was rolling in pain. I didn’t call my Dr as they would only send me to the ER where it would cost us a fortune and they can’t do anything to help. And there’s nothing to monitor because they couldn’t find a fetus. I’m not afraid of ectopic because I know the signs and don’t believe I have them. The pain feels just like my normal period cramping and isn’t localized on one side. I expected to be bleeding pretty heavily when I got up this morning because of the pain I was in but so far I’d call it a light flow. I’m supposed to collect any tissue that is expelled in a specimen cup for the EAGeR study people. They will come get it and take it to the lab within 24 hours. I’ll get a copy of the results so at least I’ll know if it was a genetic or chromosomal mistake. Monday is a holiday but I’m hoping my Dr’s office will be open. I’m sure all they’ll do is draw more blood and make sure the numbers are going down. I will hopefully have the results from my weekend blood draw on Monday also.
3 consecutive miscarriages or recurrent pregnancy losses (RPL) puts me at less than 1% of the population. It doesn’t really make sense but my chances of carrying a pregnancy to term are the same as anyone else at 60% but my chances of another loss are much higher than the average person. I don’t know if I can handle any more angels in heaven. I think maybe it’s time to face the music that we aren’t going to have our own children. I feel numb and defeated and a huge failure. Steven was really excited this time and I feel like I let him down. That’s 3 since this time last year. I’m tired of charting, and timing, and Dr’s, and hoping, and disappointment, and heartache. But my body has never cooperated with me and has ruined all of my best laid plans, so why should it stop now?
And of course we aren't great at coping with it so I've been snappy at him and he's been avoiding me so we got in a huge fight over anything and everything. I had been good at not crying but somewhere in there I lost it and became a huge mess. The poor dogs were so worried. Luckily we finally talked and I felt so much better.
I was hoping to have good news for my family at the end of October when we go to visit. Now I don’t even want to go.
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